Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
