I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
