all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
