Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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