what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
