i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
