beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
