My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
