:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
