You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
