new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
