I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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