God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
