i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
