I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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