i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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