So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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