When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize