my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
