Just took my morning after pill in the library
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
