I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We need to get me chipped asap
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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