Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This baby is an asshole
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize