my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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