if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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