before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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