How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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