If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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