ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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