i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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