I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
