Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
