shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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