There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
