you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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