I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
