the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
