If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
