YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
