Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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