Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How does it feel to date your dad?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
