I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
