I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
