I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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