Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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