The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
