That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
