My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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