I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
