someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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