AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
