I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
