Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
