OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
