How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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