He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
