is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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