I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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