Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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