you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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