i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
