: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
