The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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