Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
