That's when you crack a 10am beer
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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