seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
