we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
