thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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