i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i dont even know how to be here
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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