i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I understand Curling. That high.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
