My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
