I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
