What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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