I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
