My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
