i just had sex bonerless
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
